Welcome to the Freak Show

March 21, 2009

Let’s stay with the circus atmosphere/handicap theme from the last blog. First a couple disclaimers. One, this particular blog is going to be rated “PG” due to the word “testicle”. I’m going to be using the word “testicle” a couple of times. If you’re young, you may want to ask your parents if you can read a blog with the word “testicle” in it. Secondly, no I’m not an insensitive jerk. I’m just a baseball player who had too much time on his hands out in the bullpens of America to think of stuff like this. 

The last thing I’ll say is that if you’re a baseball player, it makes absolutely no difference if a guy’s got a handicap or not. You can either play or you can’t. Honestly, I don’t give a crap if you’ve got testicles growing out of your forehead. As long as you can get them out of the way in time to see the ball and get hits, you can be my teammate.

You will, however, make my All-Freak team. And I say that with all the love in the world. There’s so much down time in baseball. Sometimes, as a way to stay occupied, we’d all pitch in and make up our all- time team of guys we played with or against with weird body issues.

Without naming names, it was really easy and fun to fill a whole roster with guys. There was a manager with a peg leg. There was a coach and one of the all-time great traveling secretaries who didn’t have a shred of hair on their bodies. There were numerous guys with enough hair on their body to pass for cave men. I played with a lot of guys with six fingers per hand, and a couple who were missing a digit. I played with quite a few guys with four nipples.

There was the pitcher I played with in the minor leagues with all baby teeth (never got the grownup ones). A couple six toed fellas. Another right handed pitcher who had a glass eye in his left eye (from the stretch, he had to look over his RIGHT shoulder – hilarious). There were numerous one testicled ball players. I played against a guy who had one ear. We already mentioned the one armed pitcher. There was also a pitcher with no neck. I also had a first base coach with more eyebrow hair than Andy Rooney from 60 Minutes.

I had a coach who was previously a police officer. In a weird mishap, he shot himself in the foot, completely blowing away all the skin off the bottom of his foot. They had to do a skin graft in which the doctor took extra skin from his buttocks and slapped it on the bottom of his wheel. Everything worked out fine and he recovered back to normal. Almost. The bottom of his foot was all hairy! The skin they took from his hairy butt, well….you get the drift. Needless to say, he was a starter on my All Freak Team.


6 Responses to “Welcome to the Freak Show”

  1. Yu Darvish says:

    Brent did you ever bat against Jeff Sparks of Tampa. He was banned -blackballed becuase of Dr. Marshall. Check out his video on Mike MArshall web site. Mike had 111 apperances in 1973. His maxline screwball is very tough as is his maxline sink fastball

  2. Yu Darvish says:

    Forgot to mention that Mike who won the Cy Young said that Sparks had much better stuff than he ever had. I guess baseball isnt always fair.

  3. Brent Mayne says:

    Yu, you’re really into the Marshall stuff, eh? Cool. I’m not super with you on the “blackball” thing though. I’m of the belief that you can either play or you can’t. If someone can stand on their head and throw the ball 100MPH for strikes, guess what? That dude’s gonna have a job. Period.
    Nah, baseball and life isn’t always fair. As the great Mick J says, “You can’t always get what you want….but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need!”
    Rock on Yu.

  4. Yu Darvish says:

    Well for some reason the Angels and other teams dont want a DH who has 762 homeruns.

    Also, how many games do you think the Japan National team would win the AL East by? I would say about 10

  5. Royce the Cherokee says:

    Yu D, the samurai would come in 5th in the AL East.
    1. They would have to play all their games on the road.
    2. There are’nt any tickets available to their fans in Boston
    3. They can afford the 8,000.00 per seat in NY but after the 1st inning Carmine and all his meat cutters union buddies would jab a hole in all those tired Thunder Sticks.
    4. Last but not least after two outings your straight fastball would continually land in the picnic area.
    p.s. speaking of hairy backs on the all-freak squad, the afore mentioned Mike Marshall would be the top reliever.

  6. Brent Mayne says:

    Oh no you didn’t

Leave a Reply