Let’s stay with the circus atmosphere/handicap theme from the last blog. First a couple disclaimers. One, this particular blog is going to be rated “PG” due to the word “testicle”. I’m going to be using the word “testicle” a couple of times. If you’re young, you may want to ask your parents if you can read a blog with the word “testicle” in it. Secondly, no I’m not an insensitive jerk. I’m just a baseball player who had too much time on his hands out in the bullpens of America to think of stuff like this.
The last thing I’ll say is that if you’re a baseball player, it makes absolutely no difference if a guy’s got a handicap or not. You can either play or you can’t. Honestly, I don’t give a crap if you’ve got testicles growing out of your forehead. As long as you can get them out of the way in time to see the ball and get hits, you can be my teammate.
You will, however, make my All-Freak team. And I say that with all the love in the world. There’s so much down time in baseball. Sometimes, as a way to stay occupied, we’d all pitch in and make up our all- time team of guys we played with or against with weird body issues.
Without naming names, it was really easy and fun to fill a whole roster with guys. There was a manager with a peg leg. There was a coach and one of the all-time great traveling secretaries who didn’t have a shred of hair on their bodies. There were numerous guys with enough hair on their body to pass for cave men. I played with a lot of guys with six fingers per hand, and a couple who were missing a digit. I played with quite a few guys with four nipples.
There was the pitcher I played with in the minor leagues with all baby teeth (never got the grownup ones). A couple six toed fellas. Another right handed pitcher who had a glass eye in his left eye (from the stretch, he had to look over his RIGHT shoulder – hilarious). There were numerous one testicled ball players. I played against a guy who had one ear. We already mentioned the one armed pitcher. There was also a pitcher with no neck. I also had a first base coach with more eyebrow hair than Andy Rooney from 60 Minutes.
I had a coach who was previously a police officer. In a weird mishap, he shot himself in the foot, completely blowing away all the skin off the bottom of his foot. They had to do a skin graft in which the doctor took extra skin from his buttocks and slapped it on the bottom of his wheel. Everything worked out fine and he recovered back to normal. Almost. The bottom of his foot was all hairy! The skin they took from his hairy butt, well….you get the drift. Needless to say, he was a starter on my All Freak Team.